Sometimes I get weird..........

Sometimes, when I'm thinking alone in my head (most of the time I am alone........ But sometimes........ Dot dot dot) I think to myself "I'm going to become an all-black, sleek type of girl"........ And then I buy black clothes and find I just look like I'm attending a funeral instead of looking sleek and mysterious.

And then sometimes I think to myself "I'm going to turn hipster and wear cool vintage things!"......... And then I go to the Goodwill and pick out a hipster-ish bulky sweater and feel smug about my choice........ Until I get home and look in the mirror and decide that I look like a frumpy bag lady and why didn't the cashier try to wrestle the horrid thing from my fingers when I went to pay?!

And then sometimes I think to myself "I'm going to become a cutesy-girl and wear pastels and ruffles!"........ And then after going shopping in that one corner in Forever 21 and going home with my pastel clothes, I find out that I look washed out in pastels and too bulky to be cutesy........ And I wonder why WHY didn't the cashier try to wrestle the horrid thing from my fingers when I went to pay?!

So that leaves me with a closet full of a weird variety of clothes......... Which I actually have found to work perfectly for me since I still have those days when I want to be emo/hipster/cute........ So I just mix my clothes up and find what works for me.

Fighter

Image Courtesy http://www.flickr.com/photos/mzburn/. Please visit!

I’ve debated to myself if I wanted to talk about this subject since it’s one that is really easy to get sensitive about. But after some pondering on my part, I decided that I did indeed want to talk aboutit.

A lot of people don’t realize the workings of  the person that they see everyday……I don’t even know the workings of my own selfeven! So it was a bit shocking to me when a couple months ago, I fell into the toilet bowl of a deep depression. It was the worst thing that has happened tome so far in my young (?) life.

Humans have an ability to autopilot themselves,and this ability to do so is actually life saving…. especially to someone inthe throes of a debilitating depression. Without this autopilot mode, I would not have been able to function at all. But, due to autopilot mode I was able tofunction…eat…. sleep….work….church….

During this attack, I Literally shut down. I didn’t write….FB…..play cell phone games….. talk to people at work for fun……..After church activities went down to almost nothing…… eating…..cleaning…..everything…..

I have never really been a crier outside of a really good service in church, but this attack made me into one…..I wouldn’t besobbing or anything because that took too much strength that I didn’t have at the time…no, it was more like tears would just flow out at night….night time is the worse, because if you can keep your body busy, it’s easier to shut your brain off.

At one point, I was at such a low point that one of my friends was offering me ‘happy pills’….don’t worry…I didn’t take them.

No…I knew something had to give, and finally one Friday after work, I became so desperate that I literally lay out on the floorand started reading from Psalms. I had to do something, and no words were in my head to pray at this point…so what’s better than reading someone else’s convo with God?

Now, I have been raised a Christian practicallymy whole life, and I have NEVER had such an experience as the one that I’mabout to tell….my experiences with God have been during services or moves ofGod, but I have NEVER had the Word of God be such an ALIVE thing to me.Every.Single.Word that I read, was pertinent to ME….Every…Single…word….

Some may think that it’s due to where I was in mymind at that point…….Maybe?......but I honestly don’t think so…..

One thing I really LEARNED for the first time…..God is always there for us. If we cant find Him….don’t blame him…..blame yourself and change what you are doing.

Well….while I was reading Psalms, tears startedflowing…..I really can't say how long I was on my floor talking to God and reading…but it was hours……after that, I got out my journal, and for the first time in over a month, I wrote and wrote and wrote…..

“That relief was just the catharsis that comesafter crying” you might say……..really? Then why didn’t that “catharsis” come sooner? When I was crying all the other days? I don’t know…Well, I really DO know…but do YOU??

After all that writing and praying on that Friday, I went with a group of young people that next day to help out a mission in LA. Now at the mission, before they feed the people food, they preach aservice….now, the service that was preached literally hit on SO MUCH of what I had written the night before….maybe that’s why I wrote so much…so that I can have physical proof that my words were not just going unheard….I was able to go back and specifically mark what I had written with how it matched the preaching…..THAT alone was awesome to experience, But while I was thinking over the day that Saturday night, I was literally HIT OVER THE HEAD with an idea to try to do a kids program at that mission….Well….that Sunday, I reached out to my pastor, and he reached out to the mission’s pastor and found out that there was going to be a Back to School Block party held at the end of August…and that the person that was supposed to do something for the kids had fallen through so Sure! There’s an opening!

I’m not writing this to get sympathy…I’m writing this to show that through God, I am an overcomer…..I’m also writing this to let someone know, That the more you have to offer…Talents, abilities, support….the more you WILL be attacked to prevent you from doing God’s will….I’m not saying that I have a lot to offer…but I AM saying that I have a lot of willingness to work for good….if one by one, people are tricked that they are POWERLESS, soon you will have two people, then 5, then 34, then a whole multitude of people who have given up hope due to the attacks on their mind.

 

 

 

Sometimes...

Sometimes you're at the right place.......at the right time

Sometimes I dress like kids book characters (unintentionally)

Double Whammy

Sometimes it seems like God is really silent...But then there's those times where you get the ole 'Double Whammy'......

Friday, I talked with someone for awhile that had a Word for me....I don't even know if they realized that or not, but they definitely had a Word.

Something that was brought up in the conversation was something that I had never thought of before even after hearing the story over and over....the discussion was about how scary it is to step out when we can't see where the next step of ours will go. And the person brought up the story of Joshua and when he was becoming the leader of the Children of Israel after Moses had gone. The scripture says that "The Lord said unto Joshua, This day will I begin to magnify thee in the sight of all Israel, THAT THEY MAY KNOW THAT, as I was with Moses, SO I WILL BE WITH THEE"...And the Joshua proceeds to have the priests walk across the Jordan River which was overflowing it's banks!! Once the priests feet stepped into the water, the water rose up on one side and and the Children of Israel were able to pass over on dry ground. Here's the key point though: When the priests first stepped into the water, it hadn't become dry/passable ground yet! It was still the raging river! The ultimate 'Step of Faith', yes?

We humans like to see a pathway straight in front of us. You all know what it's like to be part of that experiment where you are blindfolded and you have a partner that is to lead you to a destination. No matter how trusted the partner is, the world becomes this huge scary place and lifting your foot in front of the other becomes a huge issue. But God works in the exact opposite way.....His way seems to be "Listen to what I have to say, and THEN if I see you making an initiative to do my will, THEN I will create the path." Those priests had to have been very full of Faith.

The other thing that hit me was today while I was teaching Sunday School I was showing the kids a compass and how it works....No matter where I point my body, it will always point in the Northern direction....The analogy was how the Bible is our compass in life, and no matter where I point my body, the compass (Bible) will only ever be directing me toward God....Now, whether I listen and actually turn my body/actions around is completely up to myself.....but the compass will always be there....pointing...and if I am heading in a direction that the compass is not pointing in, and I get in a disaster, I have no right to then raise my fist and rail at God for the consequences. Well.....Let's just say that while I was saying my lesson, I fell under conviction hahaha! The Word of God is quick and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sward, that's for sure!

The things that happen at Work

Me: So my AS400 Cross Programs menu stopped working for me yesterday so I had to call Tech Support and they took over my computer…. uninstalled the program and then reinstalled it and after that was completed he told me to go in and try it now and it STILL didn't work. And then that's when I realized I had accidentally turned off my FLock button. So all my "F" keys weren't working…


Friend: Jahahahahahaha!!!
lol
that's hilarious!


Me: When I told the computer tech what I realized he literally LOL'd and was like 'Oooh my god!' in his Indian accent

Later: I get the below email sent summing up the issue:

 
"This is an advisory email to inform you that your Incident IM13039235, has issues accessing a specific screen on AS400LS . , Restoral Text - Bp realized that the F lock key was active.
She unlocked it.
Issue resolved."

 
I felt quite stupid, but we all got a good laugh out of it.

Some thoughts, I guess....

I haven’t written in a really long time…not just on here, but also in my paper journal (which is rare because I write SOMETHING at least every other day)…..I guess there are times where everything feels like it needs to be commented on, and other times where the whole world is just a boring place and nothing seems exciting.

I guess to get my feet wet, I’ll just say some small things.

I recently found out that I REALLY dislike the comment “If you ever need someone to talk to just know that I’m here for you”….. I understand the underlying thought behind people saying this, I really do (I’ve even said this to people myself) …… they are worried about you…they want you to know that they are open to you talk to them, etc….this really gets my goat. Reason? Well….just because I know who I can and can’t talk to! Really…I know who will be the right person to talk to for certain subjects….and I PROMISE that if I wanted to tell you something, I definitely would….or at least would try. Really people, I know I can talk to you…I really do!

Enough on that!

Something cute that happened this Sunday…I was walking to my car to go to church and I see a little table at one of the intersections of the walking paths in my condo area, and there are little kids around it. Well, I knew they must have been selling something, so I checked my wallet to make sure I had cash in there (a very rare occurrence, let me tell ya!), and walked over there…..turns out they were selling Lemonade….for 50 Cents….so I bought 2 glasses (one for me and one for my friend)….OK…..let me just say it was practically straight lemon juice! As my friend and I were walking away, I muttered under my breath “Just pretend that you are drinking it!”

Well…….the fact that people bought TWO glasses so early in the morning must have REALLY excited the kids so I hear them yelling something like “WE NEED MORE LEMMMONNNSSS!” and then I see them wolf packing across the parking lot, climb up a fence, reach over…AND PROCEED TO PICK LEMONS FROM A NEIGHBORS LEMON TREE IN THEIR BACKYARD!!

Wow….I hope that I haven’t left a little imprint on these kid’s conscience that stealing things is rewarding.

And maybe you can tell why I just had to buy some lemon aid from the kid by the picture below....