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I’ve debated to myself if I wanted to talk about this subject since it’s one that is really easy to get sensitive about. But after some pondering on my part, I decided that I did indeed want to talk aboutit.
A lot of people don’t realize the workings of the person that they see everyday……I don’t even know the workings of my own selfeven! So it was a bit shocking to me when a couple months ago, I fell into the toilet bowl of a deep depression. It was the worst thing that has happened tome so far in my young (?) life.
During this attack, I Literally shut down. I didn’t write….FB…..play cell phone games….. talk to people at work for fun……..After church activities went down to almost nothing…… eating…..cleaning…..everything…..
I have never really been a crier outside of a really good service in church, but this attack made me into one…..I wouldn’t besobbing or anything because that took too much strength that I didn’t have at the time…no, it was more like tears would just flow out at night….night time is the worse, because if you can keep your body busy, it’s easier to shut your brain off.
At one point, I was at such a low point that one of my friends was offering me ‘happy pills’….don’t worry…I didn’t take them.
No…I knew something had to give, and finally one Friday after work, I became so desperate that I literally lay out on the floorand started reading from Psalms. I had to do something, and no words were in my head to pray at this point…so what’s better than reading someone else’s convo with God?
Now, I have been raised a Christian practicallymy whole life, and I have NEVER had such an experience as the one that I’mabout to tell….my experiences with God have been during services or moves ofGod, but I have NEVER had the Word of God be such an ALIVE thing to me.Every.Single.Word that I read, was pertinent to ME….Every…Single…word….
Some may think that it’s due to where I was in mymind at that point…….Maybe?......but I honestly don’t think so…..
One thing I really LEARNED for the first time…..God is always there for us. If we cant find Him….don’t blame him…..blame yourself and change what you are doing.
Well….while I was reading Psalms, tears startedflowing…..I really can't say how long I was on my floor talking to God and reading…but it was hours……after that, I got out my journal, and for the first time in over a month, I wrote and wrote and wrote…..
“That relief was just the catharsis that comesafter crying” you might say……..really? Then why didn’t that “catharsis” come sooner? When I was crying all the other days? I don’t know…Well, I really DO know…but do YOU??
After all that writing and praying on that Friday, I went with a group of young people that next day to help out a mission in LA. Now at the mission, before they feed the people food, they preach aservice….now, the service that was preached literally hit on SO MUCH of what I had written the night before….maybe that’s why I wrote so much…so that I can have physical proof that my words were not just going unheard….I was able to go back and specifically mark what I had written with how it matched the preaching…..THAT alone was awesome to experience, But while I was thinking over the day that Saturday night, I was literally HIT OVER THE HEAD with an idea to try to do a kids program at that mission….Well….that Sunday, I reached out to my pastor, and he reached out to the mission’s pastor and found out that there was going to be a Back to School Block party held at the end of August…and that the person that was supposed to do something for the kids had fallen through so Sure! There’s an opening!
I’m not writing this to get sympathy…I’m writing this to show that through God, I am an overcomer…..I’m also writing this to let someone know, That the more you have to offer…Talents, abilities, support….the more you WILL be attacked to prevent you from doing God’s will….I’m not saying that I have a lot to offer…but I AM saying that I have a lot of willingness to work for good….if one by one, people are tricked that they are POWERLESS, soon you will have two people, then 5, then 34, then a whole multitude of people who have given up hope due to the attacks on their mind.